Communication Principles

General information and tips around better communication

Did you know?

Pain affects how we communicate

Distract & make it hard to focus (e.g., listen to others)
Bring up negative feelings (e.g., anger) you misdirect at others
Make you too tired to interact & communicate with others
Disrupt routine (e.g., work, hobbies) & make you feel you have little to share
Make you keep silent to avoid “burdening” others

How we communicate also impacts pain

Not appropriately expressing our thoughts & emotions contributes to:
- Stress (e.g., tension)
- Negative emotions (e.g., anxiety, resentment)
- Being misunderstood
- Not getting our needs met
- Estrangement from loved ones
- Confrontation and hurt feelings
- Worsening of pain

In this module, you will learn about:

Communication beliefs- and how these beliefs impact social interactions
Different types of communication styles
How to be more assertive in communication

Communication beliefs

Most people have trouble with communication at some time in their lives
Knowing your challenges can help you to decide where to take action
What are some common challenges?
Our thoughts and beliefs about communication affect how we communicate
It can help to identify your own beliefs about communication

Download and complete the worksheet to learn more about your communication beliefs (.pdf)

Communication Styles

There are 4 main communication styles.

1. Passive Communication: You're okay, I'm not *Verbal:* Soft spoken/quiet Indirect/Vague Doesn't express needs/opinion/wants Inappropriate apologizing Always says yes Self put-downs Non-Verbal: Poor eye contact Makes body smaller (slouched posture, head down) Fidgety Winking or laughing Body language doesn't match emotion ( e.g., upset but smiling) Thinking Style: "I don't count" "My feelings and needs are less important than yours" "Saying no is rude or will upset others" Consequences: Easily dismissed; mistreated Low self-esteem Needs not met Resentment & anger build (precursor to aggressiveness)
2. Aggressive Communication: I'm okay, you're not *Verbal:* Loud voice/shouting Requests as instructions/threat Frequently interrupts and doesn't listen Judgmental/critical Unwilling to compromise Too direct Non-Verbal: Staring Intrudes on another's personal space Stiff or rigid High emotion or expressionless Intimidating (shoulders out, hands on hips, clenched hands) Points finger Thinking Style: "My way is the right way" "I have to dominate to protect myself" "The world is a battleground and I'm out to win" Consequences: Feels guilt/shame when calmer Upsets others (e.g. resentment) Creates enemies Low self esteem Tension and difficulty to relax
3. Passive-Aggressive Communication *Definition:* An inability to express ones upset or anger towards another Instead discharging hostility in an indirect and manipulative way Behaviors: Silent treatment Guilt trips Sarcasm Withhold affection/money/sex/information Slam doors/cupboards Eye rolls, sigh Gossip Thinking Style: "I'll get even later" "I feel weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate and disrupt" I'm powerless to deal with you head on, so I must use guerilla warfare" Consequences: Never gets needs met, as they're never expressed Feel less power or control Unstable relationships (creates distrust, confusion, anger) Long-term increase in stress
4. Assertive Communication: I'm okay, you're okay *Verbal:* Express needs in honest, direct and tactful way "I" statements Seeks other's opinions ("what are your thoughts on this?") Distinguishes between facts and opinions Non-Verbal: Direct and soft eye contact Confident/firm tone of voice Shows interest in others (e.g., empathy, listens) Body language matches real emotions Relaxed gestures Thinking Style: "What can we both live with?" "This time your way, the next time my way" "How can we get around this problem?" Consequences: Grater self-esteem and self-respect Decrease in stress and negative emotion More satisfying and honest relationships More likely to get your needs met

Assertive Communication is the most effective

Download and use the Assertiveness Script to help you communicate with assertiveness

Key concepts:

Passive communication means not expressing honest feelings, thoughts, needs, and beliefs. Sometimes people will express thoughts and feelings in an apologetic way so that others easily ignore them.
Aggressive communication means you stand up for your needs rights and express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, however it is done in a way which is at the expense of and violates the rights of the other person. People often feel upset by an encounter with a person communicating aggressively. Superiority is maintained by putting others down.
Passive-aggressive communication is a way of expressing our feelings, thoughts, needs, and beliefs indirectly. This style means where someone is really being aggressive, but it is in an indirect way.
Aim to use an Assertive Communication style. Use the worksheet to help you draft a plan!

Continue on to the next modules to learn more about:

Communication with Healthcare Providers

Communication at Work

Communication with Family & Friends